Trying to Plan a life- Listen to that Trouble Tree

I am so conflicted, at work, at play, at home, at auditions. Who am I and how do I market myself? What are my strengths and weakness, from an objective POV how can I grow? how can I be better?This is why teachers and coaches come in handy but sadly, teachers and coaches cost money. And money is not something I let go of easily-mainly because I am trying desperately to stay afloat and perhaps even save.
I have finally realized the importance of peer networks. This Sunday I met with three other artists to play and work on Improv scene work. It helped. A lot. I have been itching at this idea for years now, a network of peers who support one another's art. But to get people together A) is hard and B) to find space is impossible. We all need outside pockets of creativity and freedom to express our inner artist in a safe snugly sort of way. Classes and Coaching never seem as safe and snugly as I want, because I feel judged and I am. I judge myself and look to the teacher to ease my harsh assessments. In peer play we don't judge (as much) because we are all teaching and learning equally. Last night we had the people and we found space. Technically someones office after hours, but hell it works for me!
I have an audition coming up, and I am so nervous, because I am SO out of practice. This little peer play reminded me of the fact that I am not alone in this crazy actor world with harsh self assessments and brass judgements from that self loathing POV I try to ignore daily. but its there so I have to accept its feedback, but not dwell on it.

I work as a corporate trainer in my spare time and I am constantly coaching my staff and clients on release and energy work. Yet here I am hanging myself from the branches of my own trouble tree unaware of the elephant I ignore in the room. self doubt. Hey DOUBT. I see you, and I am so over you. or trying to be....maybe if I can just peek over that elephant for a spell I can see the path I am trying to get a foot hold on. This trouble tree we all have-we can either hang ourself from it or climb it.

So LISTEN TO THAT TROUBLE TREE.
We all have troubles. Rent, Money, Partners, Family, Loneliness, Stress, Doubt, Health, you name it. We all have troubles. If we think of our life like a tree. Each thought is a leaf, each year is a branch. We are the trunk or core of every feeling and emotion. Family is our roots but the sun and above is our destination. So the choice is do we save the fallen brittle leaves of our past or do we water the new growth. I say we water what is beautiful in life. Turn the old leaf over and look at it from another point of view. If we have troubles we can acknowledge them and as long aw we know that we have new blossoms and new hope to tend to we can climb that tree higher and higher.