Inner Artist Grove On

I admit it, I am in an artist slump. Writers have writers block and I have my artist slumps. I have blocks and issues and fears. I experience general feelings is isolation and bitterness. I admit to being totally green with jealousy of others peoples success stories. Stories that should inspire me that if my friends can make it there is hope for me. But, in my 'slumpist mentality' all I see is my self fading. I lose hope. I see all the things I have not accomplished instead of listing all the things I have accomplished. And damn it, I have done a lot of really cool things. Yet I can't help feeling jealous. When is my time going to come, my break. I start asking how long can I do this...I procrastinate. I sit around thinking about all the things I COULD be or SHOULD be doing. Like a writer stares at a blank screen I stare into the mirror with a blank look in my eyes it is as if I am an empty canvas. I could try to get that inner artist out. Get the creative mojo flowing. I could: Doodle; Write; Paint; Color with crayons; I make masks, or clocks why not make one? I could blast some tunes and dance like a Young Patrick Swayze was by my side. I could write a blog. OK, check I am doing that. Is it helping? a little.

I am going to trust that everyday good or bad I am in charge of my own life. I am going to know that someone else's success is fantastic and it is their success not mine. I am going to trust that I am creating the structure through which all of my gifts will be actualized. I am going to trust that every day things are happening and seeds under the surface are growing for MY success and I am going to trust that my inner artist is jazzed and ready to go but sometimes its OK for her to be tired and not so artsy. Its snowing, I think I am going to go play in the snow....I think my inner artist would like that.

The struggle between work and art

i work a lot. i don't have set hours. i work in the day, in the evening and on the weekends. it is "flexible" i travel for work. i fly to CA or FL or where ever else they send me. i feel as if i barely have time to breath let alone set aside time to be an artist. I work 2 "flexible" jobs. so i can audition when i want. as long as i book the audition a week in advance. i intern at the PIT every wed night from 6-10 for discount classes, i take classes. i get together with other actors and improvisers to practice and perform weekly. i have an apartment that needs cleaning and laundry to do. i have a husband that misses me who only sees me on the weekends and even then i leave him every weekend to go audition or take a class or work one extra shift. i have family that think i should be home more often and say i don't love my nephews or nieces enough. i have a sick mother who is angry at me for not taking care of her. i sleep a dead sleep at night from pure exhaustion and if for some reason i am not truly exhausted i toss and turn because i have no idea how to manage all the "have to do"s with all of my "want to do"s... i feel as if i barely have time to breath let alone set aside time to be an artist. it is the most difficult tug of war i have ever encountered.

I am having a hard time staying focused on my art. art seems to be the first thing to fade, i am always tired, so i will skip that audition, cause i can't skip work or hey i want to see that play but cant afford it so i will pay my credit card bill.

How can I balance my have to's and want to's? How can I be an artist and successfully balance being a woman, a lover, a wife, a partner, an individual and all the while pay the rent, my bills, and all the rest?

When I first moved to NYC I used to mock people that would say " I am an actor" and when I asked them what they have done or what they are doing they would say " well, i work too much so I haven't done anything in ____years" I'd smile to myself and think "you are not an actor".

But look at me now?! I still have things I am doing but really when was the last time I answered proudly with out hesitation "I am an actor". I usually say I work in event planning and act on the side...on the side? that has got to stop!

I need to learn how to say "no"...no i can't cover that shift. no i can't fly to CA this week and FL the next. "no" i can't help you. "no" i can't come home this weekend.

I need to learn how to say "yes" to the important stuff-"yes" to the audition. "yes" to the class. "yes" i would love to go out on a date with my husband, "yes" to seeing the play. "yes" i am an artist.

My First step:
Q:"what do you do?"
A: "i'm an artist" ; "i'm an actor"