Diving into the Id -Ego- and Super Ego

I've been Improv'ing up a storm lately: classes, jams, coachings, shows....I'm hooked. I love it. But its making me think a lot about all these masks we wear and how we wear them. Being a Psych student back in college I have that nasty habit of analysing everything I do or someone else does. For example look at the roles we think we play vs the roles others see us in or how about our habits, crutches and blocks. I'm filled with all of these! We all have certain things we do on stage some gesture or voice or character that seem to be out good 'ole standby. There is nothing more amazing then watching someone perform in a new way. So I'm digging in trying to figure out what my strengths are and avoid them. As an actor it makes me think back to roles I have failed at, and why. Often times its hard to admit total failure in a role we thought at the time we were doing our best at. But with age and time we look back and have that ah-ha moment of what the character really wanted or what our block was what that "thing" was we had been looking for-- but alas, too late!
I was in this scene class once with a guy I genuinely disliked and I got the chance to pull a gun on him. But in the scene I caved in and failed. By the end I was just faking it. I hated that scene and for a long time now I have been blaming everyone I could think of why I did not succeed in the role. His timing was off, He moved the blocking we had and I got stuck behind the bed, The teacher pushed me to work with someone I hated, This guy could barely speak English and was a total jerk, blah blah....it all could have fed the scene! But years later... last night in my Improv 4 class... I realized : I hate weak characters and always try to find a way to "win".
Maybe it is because I love being right. Maybe its because I try so hard to be strong in real life. Maybe its because I'm used to being the strong one and overcoming the shit that is thrown my way. Maybe its because I hate being vulnerable to other people. But Here I am reliving a scene in my head that I performed about 3 years ago. Having an ah-ha moment of how and why the scene just fizzled and how it was my fault. This character was weak and at the weakest point pulled a gun out of weakness. I was trying to pull strength and macho but now I see what I should have been tapping into. Seeing now that what I did was not react to how this made me feel weak I caved in and felt angry inside. I ran away from what I was feeling and tried masking my volunerability instead of exposing it.
Hindsight really is 20/20