I was a diligent pregnant Momma, I drank no coffee, no wine, little sweets, I never took any medicine, not even Tylenol. I wanted a "natural" birth. I took natural birthing classes, like Hypno-birthing. I read every book I could on "natural" birth and the importance of connecting with your child as you deliver, and how delivery impacted baby. I planned on no medicine during birth, I worked for hours on my birth plan. I fought with my Dr. about it. I even became a reiki healer during pregnancy so I could give myself and baby healing while in utero and during birth. I wore a pin "ONLY HAPPY BIRTH STORIES MY BABY IS LISTENING", and I meant it. If someone even mentioned delivery "drugs" like an epidural or God forbid cesarean's I ignored them. I even got upset at times, telling them not to bring that negative energy into our life.
I mediated every day. I did pre natal yoga. I did my hypno-birth exercise's daily. I did reiki daily. I drank Kale smoothies and went to church. I was a zen momma. I had my birthing ball. birth candles (LED candles that they would allow in the hospital) and a meditation playlist for our delivery room. I ead everything. I was ready for my natural, happy, safe, calm and drug-free birth.
I had it all planned.
At 28 weeks I found out my baby was breech. My Dr. said it would be ok, some baby's just take longer to turn. But, he warned me if she didn't I might need a cesarean. Hell No, I thought. I came home, I bought meditation CD's for breech babies, I did the "polar bear" yoga position for an hour each day. I did fear release hypnosis. I worked with reiki healers. I did everything the books tell you to do. I spoke to healers and hypnobirthing coaches, they explained to me, that the baby wasn't moving because of me. It was because I held on to some irrational, deep seeded fear of birth and once I let go of that the baby would move. I was sobbing, crying. What was wrong with me? Why was I afraid? Why was I doing this to my baby? I felt like a failure. I felt like if I did not have a "natural" vaginal birth I would miss out on a huge chunk of my womanhood.
I started to opt for plan B, I BEGGED my Dr. ( A top Dr. in America, voted 10 years in a row--one of the best in my state to actually deliver breech babies) to let me have the baby breech. He said No. He said if they baby turned no problem he would wait to 40 weeks. My Dr. suggested an ECV-External Cephalic Version when the time came--if she did not move. I did not want that. I said NO. "I can do it--you don't know me--I can do this". Keep in mind--In my area he was the only Dr. who would deliver breech--he was kind of like a God in the ER. He said No. My baby was 8 pounds or more. He said He could't risk it. Saying my vagina wasn't tested. In other words, I had never had a baby before so Now I was angry. Friends, familybirth coaches, etc started telling me to look for a different Dr. One who understood me and my plans. Other's explained to me that it was all due to my negative outlook on birth and some deep seeded fear. If I released my fear, baby would feel safe and turn. I started looking for other Dr's. Midwives. Anybody, to give me what wanted. I interviewed new Dr's. Midwives. Toured Hospitals. I was determined. I wanted my perfect, natural birth--just like I planned. I kept doing my polar bear yoga exercise, meditating, fear release therapy, hypnosis, reiki, you name it. Every day. I beat myself up. I kept finding all this stuff on line, about how Mother's fears and passive aggresive anger lead towards breech...blah. I was horrified. I was crying every day. My zen Momma-hood went to a blubbery sobbing mess of self pity and blame. I was a bad Mother. I hadn't even given birth and I was a bad Mom. My poor husband was at a loss. He kept saying, "but you are carrying her. She is inside you. You love her. No one can take that away from you. I can't have that, you are so blessed. Who cares how she get's into our arms as long as she is safe!" I could not listen to him. I just couldn't acknowledge that. I felt hurt. cheated. I felt like the joy of my birth was being stolen from me. I started to research cesarean's. I was terrified. How was I going to do this? I kept saying as a mantra..."I trust my baby and my body to know what to do." Every moment, every thought this mantra was in my mind. Thinking my baby and my body would turn her head down so we could have the perfect birth and entrance into this world.
Nothing. She would not budge. I spoke with my Dr. I said I would try the ECV. I watched video's on youtube researching the ECV. I worked with healers. I did more meditation and fear release. The day of the version came. She did not move. not an inch. I went home. The Dr. told us to pick a date for the cesarean. I was trying to wrap my head around this. I adapted my birth plan for the c-section. I even went and spoke in person to the head of my hosptial's birth unit to explain my c-section birth plan and make sure they accepted it and me. They did. In fact they were kind of impressed that I was so active and forward thinking about my delivery. Which was now not being called a c-section but my cecarian delivery. Because I was delivering my baby just a different method. I would have my bonding, my skin to skin. And, a healthy baby.
Finally--I accepted. OK. I wanted my baby to have the perfect birth and pick her own day, but I had to let go so I fgured hey I will pick a date with good numerology?! Like 11! Yea, cool! I will make the best of this! I went to the Dr office for a check up and to schedule our birth date for a week from then. However, my baby had other plans--she in fact picked her own date. I was in early contractions and the Dr told me that 'today was the day'.
I laughed. I was surprised. I was overjoyed. I was ready.
Our birth experience was wonderful. I had my birth plan and everyone there knew me and knew my vision. I used my hypno-breathing to calm my contractions. I was very at peace. I was in prayer and meditation through the whole procedure. I felt love all around me. I heard my baby cry for the first time. The wave of emotion and rush of joy was like nothing I had ever felt. My daughter was weighed and my husband quickly brought her to my ear. I whispered words of love and welcome to her. I could feel her breath on my cheeck. Together we went to another room, where the nurse bathed her in my room so I could watch and my husband could hold her hand. Then she was brought to me, minutes after delivery and she laid skin to skin on my chest. They wrapped me in a warm blanket and I held my little one, with husband right there- and together we embraced each other in those first few moments of our new life. And, yes, my baby so naturally found my breast and nursed.
Come to find out, my baby had the cord tightly wrapped around her neck. She was in the safest spot she could be in. MY BABY AND MY BODY DID KNOW WHAT TO DO! She did not move because she could not. Had I had her vaginally she could have died. Or it could have had many many complications for both of us. I am so happy I did not take the risk to find out.
I had a cecarean delivery and it was beautiful. So don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I was intune and connected to her during her whole birth experience. She was with me moments after brith. She and I had skin to skin. She breastfeed easily and I even was able to decorate my recovery room with LED candles, & play my brith playlist of soft music for baby and I as we got to know each other. It was a beautiful birth and we created a sacred space for her new journey into this world.
Our birth experience was everything I wanted it to be--and more--because I learned a valuable lesson in Motherhood. I learned how to ask questions and fight for what I want but also when to let go.I learned about making the best out of what I had to work with. And, above all, I learned that from now on--It is not about what I want-- It is about what is best for this new baby and her new life!
Remember that your birth experience is just that an experience. One of joy and love and new beginnings. We all have our own stories, and baby does know best. The common mythos right now is that Western Dr's should be feared and that we have to throw out 2,000 years worth of medicine and go back to our roots. Which I agree to some point. However East must meet West. You have the power to do your research and learn about what you want and do not want. You have the right to TALK to your health care provdier. Hash it out. ASK questions. I did. All the time! Learn what your priorites are. Fight for what is important but do not loose sight of the end game--a happy healthy baby. A happy healthy you. Both of you safe and sound so you can grow and bond together! Dr's should be trusted not feared. Their job is to deliver a happy healthy baby and sometimes your babies birth may not go as you planned but as long as it happens in the act and spirit of love and joy it will always be the right way!
I mediated every day. I did pre natal yoga. I did my hypno-birth exercise's daily. I did reiki daily. I drank Kale smoothies and went to church. I was a zen momma. I had my birthing ball. birth candles (LED candles that they would allow in the hospital) and a meditation playlist for our delivery room. I ead everything. I was ready for my natural, happy, safe, calm and drug-free birth.
I had it all planned.
At 28 weeks I found out my baby was breech. My Dr. said it would be ok, some baby's just take longer to turn. But, he warned me if she didn't I might need a cesarean. Hell No, I thought. I came home, I bought meditation CD's for breech babies, I did the "polar bear" yoga position for an hour each day. I did fear release hypnosis. I worked with reiki healers. I did everything the books tell you to do. I spoke to healers and hypnobirthing coaches, they explained to me, that the baby wasn't moving because of me. It was because I held on to some irrational, deep seeded fear of birth and once I let go of that the baby would move. I was sobbing, crying. What was wrong with me? Why was I afraid? Why was I doing this to my baby? I felt like a failure. I felt like if I did not have a "natural" vaginal birth I would miss out on a huge chunk of my womanhood.
I started to opt for plan B, I BEGGED my Dr. ( A top Dr. in America, voted 10 years in a row--one of the best in my state to actually deliver breech babies) to let me have the baby breech. He said No. He said if they baby turned no problem he would wait to 40 weeks. My Dr. suggested an ECV-External Cephalic Version when the time came--if she did not move. I did not want that. I said NO. "I can do it--you don't know me--I can do this". Keep in mind--In my area he was the only Dr. who would deliver breech--he was kind of like a God in the ER. He said No. My baby was 8 pounds or more. He said He could't risk it. Saying my vagina wasn't tested. In other words, I had never had a baby before so Now I was angry. Friends, familybirth coaches, etc started telling me to look for a different Dr. One who understood me and my plans. Other's explained to me that it was all due to my negative outlook on birth and some deep seeded fear. If I released my fear, baby would feel safe and turn. I started looking for other Dr's. Midwives. Anybody, to give me what wanted. I interviewed new Dr's. Midwives. Toured Hospitals. I was determined. I wanted my perfect, natural birth--just like I planned. I kept doing my polar bear yoga exercise, meditating, fear release therapy, hypnosis, reiki, you name it. Every day. I beat myself up. I kept finding all this stuff on line, about how Mother's fears and passive aggresive anger lead towards breech...blah. I was horrified. I was crying every day. My zen Momma-hood went to a blubbery sobbing mess of self pity and blame. I was a bad Mother. I hadn't even given birth and I was a bad Mom. My poor husband was at a loss. He kept saying, "but you are carrying her. She is inside you. You love her. No one can take that away from you. I can't have that, you are so blessed. Who cares how she get's into our arms as long as she is safe!" I could not listen to him. I just couldn't acknowledge that. I felt hurt. cheated. I felt like the joy of my birth was being stolen from me. I started to research cesarean's. I was terrified. How was I going to do this? I kept saying as a mantra..."I trust my baby and my body to know what to do." Every moment, every thought this mantra was in my mind. Thinking my baby and my body would turn her head down so we could have the perfect birth and entrance into this world.
Nothing. She would not budge. I spoke with my Dr. I said I would try the ECV. I watched video's on youtube researching the ECV. I worked with healers. I did more meditation and fear release. The day of the version came. She did not move. not an inch. I went home. The Dr. told us to pick a date for the cesarean. I was trying to wrap my head around this. I adapted my birth plan for the c-section. I even went and spoke in person to the head of my hosptial's birth unit to explain my c-section birth plan and make sure they accepted it and me. They did. In fact they were kind of impressed that I was so active and forward thinking about my delivery. Which was now not being called a c-section but my cecarian delivery. Because I was delivering my baby just a different method. I would have my bonding, my skin to skin. And, a healthy baby.
Finally--I accepted. OK. I wanted my baby to have the perfect birth and pick her own day, but I had to let go so I fgured hey I will pick a date with good numerology?! Like 11! Yea, cool! I will make the best of this! I went to the Dr office for a check up and to schedule our birth date for a week from then. However, my baby had other plans--she in fact picked her own date. I was in early contractions and the Dr told me that 'today was the day'.
I laughed. I was surprised. I was overjoyed. I was ready.
Our birth experience was wonderful. I had my birth plan and everyone there knew me and knew my vision. I used my hypno-breathing to calm my contractions. I was very at peace. I was in prayer and meditation through the whole procedure. I felt love all around me. I heard my baby cry for the first time. The wave of emotion and rush of joy was like nothing I had ever felt. My daughter was weighed and my husband quickly brought her to my ear. I whispered words of love and welcome to her. I could feel her breath on my cheeck. Together we went to another room, where the nurse bathed her in my room so I could watch and my husband could hold her hand. Then she was brought to me, minutes after delivery and she laid skin to skin on my chest. They wrapped me in a warm blanket and I held my little one, with husband right there- and together we embraced each other in those first few moments of our new life. And, yes, my baby so naturally found my breast and nursed.
Come to find out, my baby had the cord tightly wrapped around her neck. She was in the safest spot she could be in. MY BABY AND MY BODY DID KNOW WHAT TO DO! She did not move because she could not. Had I had her vaginally she could have died. Or it could have had many many complications for both of us. I am so happy I did not take the risk to find out.
I had a cecarean delivery and it was beautiful. So don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I was intune and connected to her during her whole birth experience. She was with me moments after brith. She and I had skin to skin. She breastfeed easily and I even was able to decorate my recovery room with LED candles, & play my brith playlist of soft music for baby and I as we got to know each other. It was a beautiful birth and we created a sacred space for her new journey into this world.
Our birth experience was everything I wanted it to be--and more--because I learned a valuable lesson in Motherhood. I learned how to ask questions and fight for what I want but also when to let go.I learned about making the best out of what I had to work with. And, above all, I learned that from now on--It is not about what I want-- It is about what is best for this new baby and her new life!
Remember that your birth experience is just that an experience. One of joy and love and new beginnings. We all have our own stories, and baby does know best. The common mythos right now is that Western Dr's should be feared and that we have to throw out 2,000 years worth of medicine and go back to our roots. Which I agree to some point. However East must meet West. You have the power to do your research and learn about what you want and do not want. You have the right to TALK to your health care provdier. Hash it out. ASK questions. I did. All the time! Learn what your priorites are. Fight for what is important but do not loose sight of the end game--a happy healthy baby. A happy healthy you. Both of you safe and sound so you can grow and bond together! Dr's should be trusted not feared. Their job is to deliver a happy healthy baby and sometimes your babies birth may not go as you planned but as long as it happens in the act and spirit of love and joy it will always be the right way!
No comments:
Post a Comment